In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
