He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
