I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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