Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
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