So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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