do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
