my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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