Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
