It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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