Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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