I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
