and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
