Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
