peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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