my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
