I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
