I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
It's like God shit irony all over that family
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
