Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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