Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
