I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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