did you get engaged???
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
