Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
