There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
