There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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