The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize