I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
