Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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