you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
