My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I have aggressive nipples.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
