put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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