she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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