My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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