This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
