Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
this boner is exhausting
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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