I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
