Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
