Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
