Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We're too hungover to prance.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
