Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
