I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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