There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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