If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
