When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
