Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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