You're my little dorito
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
