His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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