I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
