Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
