as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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