why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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