Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
