ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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