there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
