Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
This baby is an asshole
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
