you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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