Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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