Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
