No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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