well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
