so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i dont even know how to be here
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
