And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
