Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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