dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
